all together-

'and it all boils sown to one quotable phrase-

Sat, 16 May 2009 15:19:07 GMT

if you love something, give it away.'

i wonder where all of those things accumulate. by now i can't struggle too much, i've just come to placidly accept it. when i see you again, what will you be?

i've never known anyone else with weirder luck, more bizarre interjections of fate when it comes to love and friendship. love you guys.

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 09:53:13 GMT

i have come to the earnest conclusion that it is easier to obsess over obsessive people.

i have also concluded that obsessive people have short spans of attention and affection.

to the world!

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 09:46:15 GMT

dear waaaahjournal,

my fucking face hurts.

because i got fillings in my teeth, and extra novocaine because my body rejects it quickly because i am mildly allergic to it [SO WHY GIVE ME EXTRA? i don't know], and then i got sick this morning and threw up breakfast, and then at work i got nailed in the nose HARD with a hackey sack and my septum piercing bled a lot, and then because everyone in the shop likes to all blast their own stereos there is a constant loud clash of sound between four rooms, and then i got a killer headache, and was very fucking sick of everything [and being the only person cleaning everything] and blew up at everyone, spent hours regretting getting emotional, can't sleep, and now i am writing about it at 3am.

boo hoo.

Sat, 20 Dec 2008 10:07:06 GMT

i just wrote an email that was so intense.

but it was good.

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 07:41:33 GMT

oh to be able to think less about someone who isn't thinking about me

and more about all of the people who are thinking about me but i am ignoring.

aha!

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 07:30:24 GMT

there are times when i feel like a ______ in ______'s clothing.
there are times when i feel like a wolf in sheep's clothing.
there are times when i feel like a girl in boys' clothing.
there are times when i feel like a boy in girls' clothing.
there are times when i feel like a monster in a pretty thing's skin.

there are times when i feel like i'll never run out of ideas or love.
there are times when i feel like i'm being destructive for no reason.

if you feel like you can have something, don't take for granted that it will be easy.

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 05:05:53 GMT

another reason travel is great:

every person-to-person interaction is individual. me-to-you is a different entity than me-to-him of you-to-her. that is to say, as most people already feel, that you are a different person in every environment.

in travel this is somehow more and less true. at any rate, i think it is an opportunity for me-to-me to be stronger. there is less familiar scenery and interaction.

...am i crazy?

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 06:20:21 GMT

wherever you go, i am your home.

whoever you love,---------------.

whatever you are doing, i don't understand it but i am proud.

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 07:28:31 GMT

cannot stop interneting..

realized lately that all of the excapist tools i used to rely on [the internet being one of the major ones, along with coffee, video games, ebay, some other stuff too] have either worn off or proved useless/damaging. argh! i really kind of just wish i could be addicted to something.

i guess maybe that means i'm just hooked on change.. or adventure.. or maybe i just need some new video games.

ooh, or comics.

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 01:11:41 GMT

things i think but can't actually say:

#32 : nobody can make cat pee smell as good as you do.

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 06:06:16 GMT

i'm fighting myself over my opinion of love. james wrote me a letter, an in it was something like "love is not an emotion, but a lens that can go over many different emotions".

and while it's beautiful and accurate, i still can't figure out what i'm trying to think or say..

other than that i hate thinking about love as s hormonal, sex-based drive/emotion. instinct, compulsion, procreation, explanation.

i think i like even less [or maybe a lot more?] the idea of love for survival, or sticking with someone, an alliance, for food, shelter, etc. and/or feeling emotional connections to survival.

burning man!!!!!!!!!!

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 05:54:24 GMT

the brain in the morning:

"what makes bread delicious?"
"BECAUSE I'M EATING IT."

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 05:46:37 GMT

1st rule about pangaea:

don't talk about pangaea.

on that note: jorge, i've been listening to the music you sent me a long time ago. it is good. so are you. sorry [to everyone] that i have mostly disappeared from the internet.

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 05:04:23 GMT

1. teethy teethy sharp sharkey snake teethies snake in man's clothing.

2. naive young and eager, shaking, trying but uncertain.

3. fresh and enigmatic, sleepy, bright-eyed, new, new, new. follow me.

4. wise by a process of fermentation. it can be dangerous to think of a friend as a lover.

5. bird boys, far away.

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 20:14:37 GMT

and i never go home but to feed my rabbits and my stray cat.

abandon your bed; adventure awaits on couches, in sleeping bags, and in the arms of friends and loves.

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 20:13:34 GMT

and i leave you, hoping that the damage i do to you today lasts until i see you again.

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 20:12:55 GMT

and we part, hoping that the damage we do this year will have been repaired and forgotten in the years to come.

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 07:06:30 GMT

in the midst of a beautiful feeling, i'd rather avoid sleep. i'd rather avoid distance. i guess it's easy for something beautiful to turn into poison.

or maybe i just suck at love.

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 05:56:33 GMT

i had a dream about you.

and then i had a dream that i told you that i had a dream about you.
it didn't pan out so well. so i don't think i'll mention it.

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 06:26:11 GMT

tired, brain melting, constant need to apologize.

[liz is] sick of getting blown off. cut it out?

i don't think that's really a lot to ask?
dfgl;' ALaksjalskjlaksjlaskfjldfkjgflgjlgkjalaska

don't start what you can't finish.

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 19:08:58 GMT

more and more i see an overlap between social drug use and the inherent inability to communicate/empathize. i think the two build on each other in situations where they're nurtured.

it's a lot easier to offer someone a beer [a hit. a line. half. or a whole one.] than to just ask them what the fuck's getting them down. to be continued

Fri, 30 May 2008 08:47:07 GMT

heart's not beating fast but it's beating hard like getting hit with a stick over and over again. oof. words cannot describe what words cannot describe what happened, or what is happening ever. accuracy in words would require clarity in reality; this is not a wholly possible thing.

whose hand is this? do you know what you're doing? i'll trade sleep for this. i'll trade the person i used to be. i'll trade scared and awkward. i'll build you a nest. i'll love the beast. and i know it will destroy me.

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 05:15:12 GMT

i feel like shit. thanks for fucking everything up. i wish i could just say it but i guess a clean break might be best. i wish i could say something to someone who knows what the fuck i'm talking about. drama. drama. endless drama. friends at my throat. thanks for standing up for me guys, i trusted you.

i am mad at you for fucking up your job. i am mad at you for fucking up my job. i am mad at your for fucking up my feelings and the feelings of all the girls you meet. i am mad at you for fucking up your girlfriend's life. i am mad at you for putting everyone in danger. mostly i am mad at you for being an amazing person because i can't help but to care when you fuck your own life up and i can't help. idiot.

i wish that for once when someone told me to stay away, kiddo, he's bad news, i wish just once i'd listen instead of being bullheaded and finding out for myself.

[expletive deleted] i hope you fix yourself somehow. nobody else, no amount of good intentions, logic, no amount of caring, no amount of clear right and wrong can help you. only you can do it.

for clarity's sake, this is not about anybody who will ever read it.

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 07:34:55 GMT

i don't like to go to sleep if i'm sad. uneasy. restless. grumpy. angry. it makes the day feel like a waste. this is the root of my insomnia.

bah fuck man, i wish pretty often that i relied on religion. the idea that there could be someone who understands everything about you, who has been by your side for your entire life, who you can confide in, and the words will never come out wrong, and you can hear what you need to hear and get your shit together.. well, that's a really powerful, tempting idea.

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 08:20:01 GMT

i've been starting/trying to write letters for a while. .nothing's coming out right.

always one step ahead in wanting and one step behind in actualization

it's been a good christmas. i guess i wish i wasn't alone right now. .argh. the perils of insomnia. poo.